My Little Secret

resolutions...

2007-01-05T08:42:00.000-08:00

i wanted to post today on the new year, where i see myself going, and how
i'm going to get there. but first i'm going to complain for a second. one
of my resolutions, always, is to be a less negative person. let things roll
off my back, focus on the positive, and stop complaining so much to other
people. it always works, too, for about 30 seconds. so now i'm thinking
that maybe if i complain on my blog (aka to the 2-3 people who occasionally
check it--thanks friends) i'll get it off my chest. call it resolution #1:
write it, don't whine it.
i moved in october into a new apartment with two friends from church. i was
excited about our new apartment, first and foremost (i get my own bathroom,
and a walk-in closet), but also about starting a new apartment with these
two friends. we had been great at communicating with each other in our
friendship, we talked about our ideas for an apartment, the place was brand
new, untouched, we could decorate and bake and throw parties and have game
nights...
right. so what i have realized during these past three months is that what
i really want is to live alone. i like having roommates, occasionally, but
it's not worth all the annoying things i don't like about having roommates.
like how the brita is not always full enough for both my morning coffee and
a cup of water. and how sometimes when i get home at 1:30 on a trash night
(after working) the dishwasher is still full of the clean dishes that i
washed in the morning, and the trash is still heaping and needing to be
taken out, even though someone has been home all night.
today is my third in a string of days off. i have to go back to work
tomorrow. i dragged myself out of bed earlier than i had the past two days
in an effort to be productive, only to find out that a roommate had called
in sick. still, i brought my magazine and book to the living room to read.
she got up, came into the living room, and proceded to start talking about
the weather, the dvd she just bought, the tv show that was on... which was
not so different from last night when i was reading and she read aloud her
catalog to me. i decided to make breakfast, headed to the kitchen, and
started sauteeing mushrooms. shortly, she came into our tiny kitchen to
start making her breakfast. we're doing the dance, moving back and forth
every couple of seconds to avoid crashing into each other with hot plates,
when i'm plating my breakfast and she reaches directly across from me to use
the microwave. i step back, saying "ok, no problem, i'll wait." at which
point she (and this was the moment i decided to write a blog post about it)
stops what she is doing and starts picking lint off her sweatshirt. she is
blocking half of my bagel and sauteed mushrooms to pick the lint off her
sweatshirt.
ok, so maybe so far this post seems cruel, out of character, out of line,
and against everything that i believe about blogging. keep in mind, though,
that she has no idea i have a blog. what it mostly represents is what i
said at the top. i no longer like living with roommates. all of the little
nuances wouldn't annoy me if i wanted to share space with a roommate, but as
it turns out, i don't. so for now, i might complain to my blog every once
in a while, just to spare my friends the boredom of hearing yet another "and
then she did..." story.
on to new years. i am currently brainstorming how i can make my current
schedule work in the way it is supposed to. that is, i only work 3 days a
week. but my job is so crazy, so busy, so unbelievably exhausting that i
usually need a day to recover after working a couple of days in a row. by
the time i have taken that day, the next day i usually sleep in too. then i
get some stuff done on the third day, and it's back to work again. i feel
like all i do is work, sleep, and sit catatonically watching tv or reading.
but i have plans, ideas, to do lists. i have a gym membership, groceries to
buy, and above that, i want to pursue something. i want to have a passion
outside my job--one of the millions of things i have always talked about
learning. i think if i have scheduled things on my days off, it might get
me out of bed sooner and maybe set the tone for the day. unfortunately,
before i can drop money on anything significant, i have to get my debt under
control. in order, that means paying off my mom, my bed, credit card #1,
and credit card #3. student loans i can deal with. i'm hoping my tax
return this year helps. for now, i'm going to go to the grocery store--one
of the perks of my roommate being home is it helps me motivate to leave the
house.

everyone's a little bit racist...

2007-01-04T17:15:00.000-08:00

sometimes...right? The other day I went to the bank to get some cash. A
Black guy standing in the vestibule opened the door for me. I said thank
you, then immediately started thinking about whether or not I had change for
him, and then feeling guilty and at the same time dreading the end of my
transaction when he would ask me for change and I would have to apologize
and say I didn't have any. The guy at the left atm finished his withdrawal,
and I started forward to use it. So did the man who opened the door for me,
because he wasn't one of the people who hang out in banks opening doors for
people in exchange for money, but rather just a guy in line for the atm.
Damn. I hate that I made that assumption.
On a drastically different note, I had a board games night with friends the
other night, didn't win a single game, and still had fun. So at least I am
growing in some areas.
I (much like always) have more to say, but I'm tired and busy. I'm going to
try to put something else up tomorrow, which may outline how I plan to
structure my time to involve more posting. Hopefully it will work out.

snowflakes, or anthrax?

2006-12-05T11:58:00.000-08:00

so, it's been warm here for a while, and then suddenly this week the weather
turned to freezing. i was walking to the gym yesterday morning (yes, i've
returned to the gym--hired a personal trainer and all) and there were a few
flurries coming down from the only slightly cloudy sky. i should qualify my
next thought with: i was nearly drunk tired. i had dragged myself out of
bed after three days on to go meet with my new personal trainer. had i not
had an appointment with her i could have slept for hours more. i wouldn't
have trusted myself behind the wheel, or doing anything that required any
mental skill. anyhow, as i noticed the flurries, i thought "hmm...that's
beautiful. but i wasn't really expecting flurries...maybe it's ash. or
anthrax spores. did i really just think that? well (on the next block now)
there are still flurries over here, so it must be snow...it just seems weird
to be flurrying..hmm..." so there you have it, direct from the mind of one
overly exhausted, apparently paranoid, emergency department nurse.

just a job...

2006-12-05T11:53:00.000-08:00

this weekend i worked three days in a row. i also agreed to go in two hours
early on my last day because they were anticipating being severely short
staffed. not the end of the world, but by midnight on sunday, i was dead
tired. there was this guy i had been working with for most of the night who
required a lot of attention. the oxygen saturation of his blood without any
supplemental oxygen was pretty low, so they had him on a machine that forced
air into his lungs every time he breathed in. pretty fancy stuff. anyhow,
he was hungry, so i would let him take it off for a few minutes at a time to
eat, and wipe off the dried spit around his mouth at the same time. he told
me i was one of the "nice nurses," when it was taking a long time to get him
a bed on one of the units (due to a clerical error) we joked that he just
wanted to stay downstairs with us. when his iv came out, i found him a
nurse who was better at iv's than me so he wouldn't have to be stuck more
than once. at the end of the night, i went over to the other side of the
emergency department to wash my hands and find the head nurse to see who my
relief was going to be. as i was walking out, i said "i'll be right back."
in my exhaustion, as soon as i found the head nurse, i found the guy who was
relieving me, said goodnight, and left. when i was gone, i remembered that
i never said goodbye. if i've spent a lot of time with a patient, i usually
like to wish them well, either when i leave or when they go up to the floor.
i felt horrible. not because i think that i held any great place in this
person's life, but because i feel like when i stop saying hello and goodbye
to patients, i start dehumanizing them. "they" collectively become my job,
not people who are having a rough day, are not well, and need help. it's
just not the kind of nurse i want to be. i think i've figured out while
working at this hospital that i am more interested in public health and
policy than in bedside nursing, but at the same time i certainly don't want
to treat this like a stepping stone. we'll see...

sweet...

2006-12-01T22:35:00.000-08:00

i went back to work today after having 6 days off. it was, oddly, good to
be back. i loved having time off, but at the same time i like to fill my
days with something. when i am not working i am often overwhelmingly
tempted by "drama in the daytime" on tnt, and the gilmore girls on abc
family. i love that stuff.
anyhow, one of the aspects of working in my emergency department is that we
are often crazy busy. the smart, older doctors have mostly figured out that
if they hand us orders, call us their "favorite nurse" and tell us a little
about the patient it is far more likely that the medications will be given
sooner, the iv will be placed stat, and the labs sent right away. one of
our attendings has been there for more than 30 years, and i can never turn
him down. i don't know how anyone can--he just cares that much. anyhow, he
pretty much has me in the palm of his hand, and as long as i stay aware of
that i'm comfortable with it. tonight, i was going to call up to one of the
units and give report on the patient he had been working with all day. i
stopped him to ask him if it was ok to transport her without oxygen. before
i could ask, he stopped me with "i have been off since 8:00 pm and i'm still
here." basically, don't talk to me. then (i think he felt bad) he asked
what my question was. realizing it was something simple, he fell over
himself for the next 10 minutes apologizing, telling me that i help him a
lot, and i can always ask him things like that, and making sure that i knew
that he didn't mean i shouldn't ask him things. it was actually really
sweet. i've known for a while that some doctors have me wrapped around
their little fingers, but it's nice to get a little recognition back and an
effort on their part to make my life a easier.
on that note i am sufficiently wound down, and i am going to go to sleep so
i can get up and go to work tomorrow.

tis the season...

2006-11-30T10:08:00.000-08:00

to be disappointed. every year my friends and i have a holiday party. we
started it when most of us were in college, when we couldn't bear the
thought of the holidays without one another. i always made the turkey,
someone else was responsible for mashed potatoes, broccoli casserole,
stuffing, cranberry sauce, and dessert. some years we got fancy, some years
we didn't. it evolved over the years from an event with the people we saw
frequently to the one time we all got together every year. this year, for
the first time in 7ish years, we aren't doing it. i work two weekends out
of every month, and there is no time when enough of the key players can make
it that i also have off. i was excited, too, becuase i was to be hosting. i
am more upset, though, because of two things. one, it took so long to find
a date because my job held on to our december schedules until last friday
(the schedule started on sunday). that's obnoxious. two, when i finally
knew that i could do it, and i sent out the e-mail to everyone who usually
comes, only two people responded. i understand that people are busy, and i
totally get that this is late notice. i'm more upset about the job schedule
thing. it's just that my roommates and i were also looking for a day to do
a housewarming, and since everything was so delayed (first my schedule, then
peoples' response) the one day that we could have done it is no longer a
possibility, so we are going to have to transfer it to january.
the moral of this long "i want to have a party!" rant is that it's hard to
work weekends and maintain a life. i feel lonely. i do stuff on my days
off, but i miss my friends. i love working only three days a week, but i
have a hard time motivating myself on the other days. and on the days that
i work, i only work. i am too exhausted to do anything else.
this was long and whiny. i might write more about work and positive things
tomorrow.

wow...it's been a long time

2006-11-20T23:49:00.000-08:00

and i can barely prop my eyes open with toothpicks, but i had to do
something to jump over the threshold of blogging and not blogging. i wonder
if threshold is supposed to have two h's. oh well...sorry to my 2-3 friends
who used to occasionally check my blog and who i'm sure have long since
forgotten the address. it got crazy busy there.
i have many, many, many things i want to write about, including my job, my
new apartment, my new twenty year plan, and my thoughts on cockroaches in
hospital emergency room's (i guess in new york, it comes with the territory)
but right now i have to go to sleep. 37 hours in 3 days is no joke. i know
people do it all the time, but i am so, so not used to it. but i really,
truly, am going to return to the blogging. i can't wait. maybe tomorrow.

Represent

2006-09-13T17:36:00.000-07:00

Today we signed our papers to be represented by a union. There was a video,
and our union rep gave us a bunch of information, but people were talking
during the video and she was talking while I was filling out
papers--unfortunately, I don't multitask well. I think I should feel
excited to be part of the long tradition of labor organization and
collective bargaining, but currently I'm just annoyed that they take $37 out
of every paycheck and I have to go through this huge hassle to get
reimbursed for my dentist visits.
I have been insanely, crazily, unspeakably tired lately. I have no idea
what is causing it. I feel like I am seeing things through a veil, like I
have earplugs in, or like I am always slightly drunk. I should clarify that
this is not when I am actually in the clinical area, but when I am at home,
on the train, in the classroom, and pretty much anywhere that is not my
hospital's emergency room. I have no idea what is causing this, but if I
had to guess I'd say probably mono. Or I am just spending all of my alert
time on the floor. Either way I'd like a little more energy, please. I've
started eating better. At some point I'd like to exercise again, but
currently I am too tired.
I found an apartment. I love it, mostly, but I am also sort of convinced
that it sucks and I might hate it. I hope the former is the truer
sentiment. I have been fantasizing about vases, flowers, plants, and
candles. I love to decorate. Our landlord is a little crazy and doesn't
want us to put anything up on the walls except for with these weird hanging
kits, but I kind of don't mind paying for any damages. I want my house to
be pretty.
It's almost the season of the many new years, so I've been thinking about
resolutions. Last year I worked on myself mentally, and I think I've gotten
to a pretty stable, happy state. This year, with money, I think I am going
to work on taking care of myself better. That is, when I have paid back
some people, and I have some money in the bank, I'd like to get a massage, a
personal trainer, some accupuncture, and maybe take a pottery class. Maybe
if I had more restorative activities, I wouldn't be so tired.
Alright, I think I have stayed awake long enough and can go to sleep without
waking up every hour on the hour throughout the night.

Really?

2006-09-05T18:32:00.000-07:00

A lot has been surprising lately:

1. It is September 5th and it has felt like fall since the very end of
August. Strange. That's not to say the weather will stay this way, but
last year at the end of October we were begging for the weather to change.
This is a pleasant difference.
2. My hospital seems to believe that if they give us stacks of policies,
tell us the answers to quizzes on said policies, and yell at us quite a bit
about pretty much everything, we will be well prepared to work on our units.
I fear for my license.
3. An atheist friend of mine told me the other day that the best way to find
an apartment in New York City is to pray. Huh. I didn't even tell him my
specifications for said imaginary apartment.
4. I watched House for the first time ever today (wooed by the promise of
weird medical problems with uncommon diagnoses at the end). I was
disappointed. The guy had been quadriplegic for 8 years, and at the end of
the episode one of the doctors gave him a shot of cortisol and he stood up.
Ha! His muscles would have been so atrophied, that moment would have taken
weeks to months.
5. I went to church on Sunday for the first time since June. There were a
bunch of new people, and two of them were telling us that they searched "gay
churches and New York City" on google, and ours came up first. There are
even specifically gay churches and other houses of worship in Manhattan, and
our tiny church still came up first. Sweet!
6. I guess none of this is very suprising: the weather is cooling down; the
city hospital that I work at is so short staffed that they don't have the
people to give us a proper orientation (they could be nice); it's hard to
find an apartment in New York; TV isn't realistic; and Unitarians love the
gays. When I put it that way, it all seems pretty commonsense
actually...maybe I just like to reimagine normal things as surprising, and
occasionally exciting.

Is this what we do now?

2006-08-23T19:08:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was in a classroom with one of my new colleagues and my nursing
school friend who is working with me. We were watching a video about shock
emergencies, but the company that makes the "emergency" videos apparently
thought that a bland, too-fast lecture by a woman who looked like a cross
between Kathy Bates and Molly Ringwald would keep our attention. The funny
thing is, at the start of every video I am really motivated. Then we get
interrupted, or a conversation starts in the office attached to the
classroom, and by the time I am paying attention again I am completely lost.
It's easier just to chat, and think to myself "I'll have to read up on
shock," even though I probably won't.
Yesterday we were talking in a somewhat getting-to-know-you, superficial
way, when suddenly my new colleague was talking about where she was and what
she was doing on September 11, 2001. It felt weird, but at the same time, a
little bit normal. I don't know if I like it, but I'm pretty sure it has
happened with most of the new people I have met and become friends with
since I moved back to New York. It doesn't always happen immediately, and
it's usually not tied to any particular feelings, but at the same time it is
as if it is a necessary step in building new friendships nowadays. I
remember when it happened, my friend was telling me about her grandfather
who was in Pearl Harbor and how for his whole life he got nervous when
planes were flying overhead. She wondered if there would be lasting effects
for us. I wonder if this is it--not a sense of worry, but a sort of sizing
up. "Yep, I was there, you were there too, nope, not into the 'war on
terror,' don't think all Muslims are terrorists, ok now we can maybe be
friends." That last part may just be on my side.
It's entirely possible that I am overanalyzing this, and that it doesn't
happen nearly as often as I think, and that it's just a weird thing. I just
know I felt a little strange yesterday when she brought it up, and I was
wondering why.

Side note: I went to my favorite restaurant yesterday with one of my
favorite old roommate's who is visiting from California, and two of my very
favorite friends in New York. We have all been friends for a very long
time--any lack of mention of them on this blog is entirely due to my self
centeredness, and does not reflect their importance in my life.

Second side note: I just rented a car in Indiana. It was $21/day. That was
actually on the expensive side; the cheaper ones were around $12.74/day.
When I rented a car in New York a couple of weeks ago it was over $100/day.
I think if I lived in Indiana, and I didn't have a car, I would rent a car
and drive all the time. The mileage is unlimited! Think of all the
possibilities!

Please forgive me...

2006-08-17T15:29:00.000-07:00

I went to a workshop at my church last night about forgiveness. We talked
about what forgiveness means, and ended up using the idea that it is more
about releasing yourself from the hurt feelings and bitterness than
absolving someone else for whatever it is they've done. So I was thinking
about myself, and some specific times when I have felt hurt or angry lately,
and wondering if I am good at forgiving the people in my life. My
conclusion is that I don't think I am. I think I am good at not getting
upset about things unreasonably. I actually didn't think too much about
that, but if I'm not, I'll have to work on it another day. Anyhow, I feel
like I tend to get hurt by something, and then work to just not have
feelings about it. This, I think, has been very true for my family members
lately. We have never been good at communicating, so when something happens
there is pretty much never any discussion, compromise, or middle ground. I
could be a little stronger and/or ever stick up for myself, but I rarely do.
Anyhow, before last night I probably would have said that I had forgiven my
family members. When I thought more about it, I realized that I just
suppressed it. Every time I think about the situations, the negative
emotions and the anger feels almost as strong as they did when these things
first happened. Which is not good. But it is also one strategy for this
situation, in which there is no possibility for "talking it out." I'm not
sure if I want to process it more in myself and try to let go of some of the
bitterness rather than just maintaining my decision to not think about it
unless absolutely necessary. One positive note about having issues with
family that you can't work out: my friends are wonderful, wonderful people.
In areas where I wanted affirmation from my family, they have been wonderful
about providing it. I don't know if this is usual for friend relationships,
but either way it makes me feel pretty lucky.

On a completely different note, I have been on the whole cavalier about my
orientation experience this week. I have been having a great time, we are
mostly socializing and learning a bit, hiding from the surveyors, and making
a bunch of money (though I don't know when I will get paid, which is
freaking me out right now). Today when I was on the way to the classroom I
saw a girl sobbing in the hallway, being held up by a friend/sibling. I
remembered that the classroom we have been occupying is on the same floor in
the hospital as the intensive care units. It is always a little sobering to
realize that while your world may be all sunshine and roses, very nearby
someone is having an entirely different experience. I remember the first
time I experienced a death on a floor we were working on, and I kept looking
into the room, which was darkened and crowded by the man's parents and
priest, every time I passed to go to my patient's room. Other than my
sideways glances, the rest of my day was proceeding exactly as usual on the
fluorescently lit floor. A bit later, his parents were outside of his room
walking around, and their grief penetrated the floor and brought the two
worlds together. I hope that the girl today is ok tonight, and that she
still has friends with her.

I am actually in a good mood tonight. I'm going to get some wine.

Boring

2006-08-15T15:38:00.000-07:00

I am a boring girl when I am working. I remember being so angry once upon a
time when my friends wouldn't go out with me on "school nights." As it
turns out, I never really had a true "9-5" job before this one. Even when I
was a case manager, if I went out the night before I could just schedule a
site visit, sleep on the train, and go home early. Now that I have to be in
the Bronx for 7:30 am five days a week, I am bopping along to an entirely
different tune. I like to be in bed before 10 if at all possible. In the
10 o'clock hour isn't the end of the world. Two days of after 11 and I am
tired-hung over by the third day. I really want to somehow work out a
schedule so I feel like I have some kind of fulfillment outside of the work
hours during these 4 months that we are going to be orienting at 5 days a
week. (Four months! I was expecting to be at 5 days/week for 6 weeks at
the absolute most. I am really unsure as to why they think this is the best
possible idea, but who am I to judge...)
Anyhow, this week was supposed to be our first chance to be on the floor in
some kind of productive capacity, if only to be observing and taking vital
signs. Then the surveyors came on Monday. They comb the hospital and can
pretty much go anywhere they want, any time they please. They can ask
anyone questions, watch any procedures, request any documentation. They are
the last people our orienters want us to see. They prepare for months for
these inspections (and yet nurses were still cited for wearing the long
false nails. Really? Are people so attached to those uncomfortable, tacky
added length to their nails that they are willing to risk a citation-very
bad-for it? Apparently so.) and they don't want the surveyors to ask
questions of people who have worked there for all of 2 days. So, we are
hidden in a classroom for the week. We have to watch videos and listen to
lectures, but no floor time until at least next week. Sweet.

Working girl...

2006-08-13T19:00:00.000-07:00

I have (finally) started my job as an emergency department (ED) nurse. So
far I am underwhelmed by the orientation program, but they are promising us
that this week is going to be better. Overall, I really like the hospital.
They do a lot of programs to draw in the community, they pay attention to
patient satisfaction, and everyone in their very busy ED seems to be
incredibly nice. Weird. I can't wait to feel like I belong there, instead
of being a kid in my pajamas wandering around doing scavenger hunts for fire
safety equipment.
Something I am excited about: buying some really cute scrubs to go with my
fancy ID lanyard.
Something I am dreading: dealing with all the tragedy that comes through the
ED doors.
Something that tickles me pink: the cafeteria is a sit-down cafe, and they
have waitstaff. I've never seen that in a hospital.
Something I am incredibly grateful for: my wonderful nursing school friend
who took this job with me. I'd feel completely lost without him.
Something I a little bit can't wait for: my first paycheck. I'd love to pay
rent, and stop adding to my credit card balance (which is pathetically
high).

When it rains...

2006-07-21T12:10:00.000-07:00

I was going to write a post about my brother's wedding to offset yesterday's
"everything is really stressful right now and I am freaking out" moment.
Here's the short version: it was beautiful, they were beautiful, the food
was great, and we all had a great time.
There. Now, on to more things I absolutely don't need right now: our
landlord is selling our apartment. Which means we have to vacate by
September 30th. Which seems like enough time, except that I have barely
enough money to make it through August, and I certainly don't have moving
and/or start-up expenses (broker, deposit, etc) for a new place. Not even
close. I am so screwed. I'm trying really hard to study for the NCLEX
today, be productive (only 1 hour of TV today so far, and I was eating lunch
at the time), but now all I want to do is crash in front of a "Law and
Order" marathon. I have no idea what I am going to do...
Outside, it is about to storm again--lots of thunder. Seems appropriate.

Freak Out

2006-07-20T21:05:00.000-07:00

I am having some kind of freak out. A lot has been going on lately, and I
can't tell if it is come to a head, has come to a head, or if this is just
the way life goes, but it feels overwhelmingly stressful right now. As I
mentioned once before, my stress response seems to be catatonia. So,
instead of being productive today, I watched: 2 episodes of "Gilmore Girls,"
one and a half episodes of "Project Runway," an episode of "Without a
Trace," one "So You Think You Can Dance," four "Sex and the City"'s, one of
that new show about a gym in LA (to be fair, the owner is a cute lesbian),
and one about reality show secrets (this one while at the gym). The only
two things I did that were on my checklist were going to the gym and making
a stirfry. Actually, writing out all of the TV that I watched makes me feel
pretty pathetic (that's 9.5 hours of TV--gross). So that's a good thing.
Either way, it's too bad I have the licensing exam coming up in a week,
because that's a lot of time wasting for someone who should be studying.
This is probably the biggest test I've had to take in my life so far--if I
fail, I can't work. Part of my problem is I that took a practice exam, and
I was told that if I scored over 70% I was ready to test. I got an 83%.
Still, I don't think I should be resting this easy.

One of the other stressors is my current job situation. Or lack of job
situation. I was hired in May to work in the Emergency Department at one of
the city hospitals, and everything since then has been a nightmare. They
have been giving out wrong information left and right, and it took two
months for them to even call us into HR. So now I am job searching again.
It would be better if I wasn't running out of money. I just looked at my
horoscope for July, and I had to stop reading because it was all about
wonderful career things that were supposed to be happening. Clearly,
they're not.

Since I am not good at compartmentalizing, anything else that could freak me
out right now that I might normally be able to handle is a little bit
pushing me over the edge. Or a lot. The one good thing about all the TV
today is that the show about the gym is actually really motivating. So
that's something...

Poem, continued

2006-06-28T12:26:00.000-07:00

This might have been the worst idea I've had in a while, as I usually buy a
chocolate bar every 2-3 weeks (because it lasts that long) and I've had 2
since I posted the last part of the poem. Anyhow, "Fly Not Yet," continued:

Fly not yet! the fount that played,
In times of old, through Ammon's shade,
Though icy cold by day it ran,
Yet still, like sounds of mirth, began
To burn when night was near;
And thus should woman's heart and looks
At noon be cold as winter brooks,
Nor kindle till the night, returning,
Brings their genial hour for burning.
O! stay-O! stay-
When did morning ever break
And find such beaming eyes awake
As those that sparkle here!

Thomas Moore

This is the last part of it, so I guess that wasn't that bad...it would be
good marketing if their line had more than chocolate, and they had the
treasure hunt for poems continue through all their products. I'm a sucker
for certain kinds of advertising.

And so we dance...and other things

2006-06-26T13:44:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was pride. For the first time I can remember, I wasn't in the
mood. It had rained on Saturday, so I missed the dyke march (I'm so not
queer when it rains). It was still raining for the main pride parade, but
my friend convinced me that with the recent gay bashings it was important to
at least show up and have a presence for a while. I knew something was up
when I didn't get excited for the dykes on bikes (my absolute favorite
part). Then Hillary Clinton made her usual appearance. I'm sick of
politicians who don't have a great track record on queer issues (or other
issues, for that matter) marching in the parade touting no important bill,
and then expect my vote. Worse, I hate that it works--people see the big
politicians and get really excited and think "friend of the gays" without
really knowing their politics. So we booed. Would've booed louder had I
seen that she was marching arm in arm with Mike Bloomberg. Same with Chuck
Schumer. Anyhow, shortly we decided that our attitudes shouldn't bring down
our friends, so we went and were queer in the brunch sort of way.

Later when I was studying mental health for the nursing licensing exam, a
friend called because he had miraculously gotten off of work and wanted to
go out. He plied me with free drinks to leave my computer and come watch
fireworks. I met them at a bar that reminded me of my favorite places to go
dancing in San Francisco--full of middle aged gay men and a couple of middle
aged lesbians, a bar tender who called me baby and remembered my drink, and
campy music to which we danced like fools. After a couple of drinks, we
made our way to the fireworks. Magical. We left and stopped for a drink in
another bar on our way to get something to eat. It was a girl party with a
cover charge, but somehow my sexy friend's sexy boyfriend convinced the door
person that we were the life of the party and she let us in for free. After
which we proceeded to tear down the "hip" party atmosphere they were trying
to create by continuing to dance like fools. I'm not sure if I have a point
in chronicling this night, except that I was in such a grumpy funk, and the
evening was full of incredible energy and love. Dancing is another thing
that puts me into the meditative state--energy flowing in and out, like my
soul is opened. Which is funny, because that sounds so spiritual, and yet
we were making up interpretive dances to different medical conditions. So
today I am grateful for pride, and friends.

Love Poems

2006-06-19T21:00:00.000-07:00

I like to have a couple of squares of chocolate every now and then, and I
buy these chocolate bars that have love poems written on the inside.
Sometimes I like to do dramatic readings, but I got the idea today to start
posting the poems as I get them. I should put a disclaimer first that it's
not for love of the actual content that I am posting them, but that I get
love poems on the inside of my sweets. So in the spirit of love, today's
was on the inside of a dark chocolate bar with cherries and almonds:

from Fly Not Yet

Fly not yet-'tis just the hour
When pleasure, like the midnight flower,
That scorns the eye of vulgar light,
Begins to bloom for sons of night,
And maids who love the moon!
'Twas but to bless these hours of shade
That beauty and the moon were made;
'Tis then their soft attractions glowing
Set the tides and goblets flowing!
O! stay-O! stay-
Joy so seldom weaves a chain
Like this tonight, that O! 'tis pain
To break its links so soon.

Thomas Moore

Apparently this one is continued on Raspberries in Dark Chocolate. I'll try
to remember that next time I am picking a bar.

Salty

2006-06-19T20:39:00.000-07:00

I love salt. So much so that in nutrition class when my teacher explained
the ins and outs of very low sodium diets I apparently had such a horrified
look on my face that she called me out on it in class. I don't remember
what she said, but it wasn't very consoling. The minimum requirement of
sodium that the average adult should consume in one day is 500 mg. There's
2100 mg in 1/4 tsp. of salt. I probably have that with breakfast. Luckily,
I have pretty low blood pressure, so I don't really have to worry so far.

I also watch a lot of shows on the Food Network. Every single host on that
channel seems to keep kosher salt (or sea salt) in a dish on their counter.
Or that's the way they prep the set. When it's time to season the dish,
they pick up the dish, measure their pinches with flair, run it through
their fingers as they sprinkle it on the food, and on the shows with good
acoustics (Everyday Italian, for one) it sounds really amazing. Remember
how I like sounds? I've been coveting those dishes of kosher salt for, sad
to say, probably a year or two. I shop off of lists, and somehow kosher
salt never made it to the list. Until last week. It was one of my two
items on the list (that and sponges--I was feeling uninspired), but I
finally have a (giant) box of kosher salt with which to season my food. I'm
happy to say it sounds just as good in my kitchen, grabbing a pinch and
sprinkling it onto some soon-to-be roasted asparagus or corn, as it does
when it's amplified on the Food Network sound stages. Not only that, but
I'm pretty sure the food tastes better too. Some of the hosts have made a
case for using kosher/sea salts for reasons other than its "wow" factor
(imagine that), and while I don't remember the reasons, I'm pretty sure they
were right. Best $1.50 I've spent in a long, long time.

Yom Kippur Dreamin'

2006-06-14T11:09:00.000-07:00

A while back I had a dream in which it was Yom Kippur, I was Orthodox, and I
went to my shul for services. While I was there, I was praying (although in
my dream I knew I was davening) so fervently that I literally felt my soul
open. I felt like I was elevated--energy was flowing in and out of me with
an incredible intensity. It didn't last very long (I think I woke up) but I
remember thinking that it was what I was looking for in a prayer/meditative
experience. Transformative. What's funny is that I have been looking for
this in a religious experience. Meditating has been off and on successful
for me, but otherwise religion for me has never included that mystical
connected state. Although I guess that's something I want out of it.
Last Friday, I went to a kickboxing class at the gym. I haven't worked out
in a long time, but I went to classes all last week. Friday night the class
was crowded, it was hot, it was loud, and the instructor was this high
intensity huge guy who ran around the room screaming. It was amazing. At
one point we were all doing jumping jacks, and the room was all moving at
once, and we were calling out the numbers, and it was hard, and I felt like
I lost myself. In a good way. I felt open, and the energy was
flowing--like in my dream. I had forgotten that I got that from excercise.
I almost started laughing (I was so happy), but I thought I might have to
stop so I settled for smiling widely through the jumping jacks. I know
physiologically that activity actually does have an effect on the brain,
endorphins are released, and that's what causes the feeling--the "runner's
high." On the other hand, I know physiological explanations for a lot of
things, but I choose to believe in spirituality and universal energy as
well. I used to make a list of things I was grateful for (when I was having
a really angry day, I'd try to add a few things to the list, or at least
read the list, and if it didn't lift the mood it would distract me), so
today I am grateful that I remembered a way to open myself.

Empty

2006-06-13T21:13:00.000-07:00

An old client/friend of mine passed away recently. She choked, couldn't
cough it up, and was not able to be revived from the EMT's. She was one of
my first clients in San Francisco, and we spent an inordinant amount of time
together during my first six months working with her. When I left, I called
her every Wednesday night (the night I worked with her) for the first
several months. Then I got busy and lost touch. I had promised her when I
was leaving that I would never become one of "those attendants" who left and
never called. I knew we were friends, I cared about her, and I wanted to
stay in touch...and now I can't sort out what I feel about it. I think my
primary feeling is guilt. I feel guilty that I didn't stay in touch. I
feel guilty that I didn't stay in San Francisco (but even if I did, all that
would have changed is that I'd be there now instead of here). I feel guilty
that I am not/was not a wreck about this for very long after I heard. I
feel like I am detached, but I also feel like that's no excuse, and I don't
know where the emotions are. I'm not really sure if there is a point to
this post, except to say that I think "guilty" is kind of the wrong emotion.
For someone who had such a profound impact on my life, for whatever reasons,
I feel like she deserves more than my guilty feelings.

Chemo

2006-06-13T21:07:00.000-07:00

I found this poem in "New York" magazine (I have no idea how to do italics)
and I wanted to remember it (for a number of reasons):

Chemotherapy
My friend is going through the fire on his knees,
His hands, crossing the entire field of it;
Once in a while he calls out, bewildered,

The other side unclear, wanting to just
Lie down and wait among the scattered stones.
Unimaginable heat: he pants, lost in the light

Of what keeps happening--think water, think water,
And he manages to make out one nurse
Up against the bright and it takes everything

To tell her what he needs, as if he had come upon
The one tree still standing, and understood
She promises nothing, who in her uniform

Was all that was ever asked for and who
Could hold him as he has never been held.

by Sophie Cabot Black

I actually have more to post, but I'm going to write another one.

absence makes the heart grow fonder

2006-06-06T20:52:00.000-07:00

I tried to detox. I really did. I bought a ton of fruits and vegetables.
I drank semi-nasty protein shakes. I boiled beets, roasted corn, cut up a
watermelon. Ate an entire avocado, a ton of watermelon, and peed red (from
the beets). And then tonight (exactly 36 hours since I started detoxing,
fyi) I got hungry. And, being me, I had been running late and neglected to
pack some snacks for babysitting. So I ordered a salad to come with the
kids' fast food dinners. It came with parmesan cheese and croutons, but I
figured I could still release toxins with a little calcium and carbs in me.
Then I got hungrier. A few cheez-its won't hurt. Still hungry: how about a
banana with peanut butter, a half a peanut butter sandwich, and a mini pita
with melted cheese. Score one (two? ten?) for the junk food demons. The
funny thing is, if I had stocked up on healthy favorites, it would have been
easier to pack dinner and I probably wouldn't have eaten so much, and so
much crap. Lesson learned. The new plan is to try and do it right for one
more day, then buy some real food for the rest of the week.

Bachelorette Weekend

2006-06-04T13:18:00.000-07:00

I just finished with my future sister-in-law's bachelorette weekend. It was
great--we drank martinis and did manicures, experimented with makeup and
Bikram yoga (complicated and very hot, respectively), drank out of penis
straws and measured our passion with a pen, and generally celebrated the
bride to be. I realized at brunch today, though, that my sister and I were
the only single ones. Not only that, but all of the women we were with have
been in their relationships since college. I don't remember if I have
posted about this before, but sometimes I feel like I missed the boat. I
have a lot of "couple" friends, and most of them are in really incredible,
stable, loving relationships, and nearly all of them have been together
since college. Those that haven't are in relationships that started and
they almost immediately knew it was somehow more comfortable (loving,
special, fantastic, etc) than all the others. I have a feeling that that
sentence was grammatically awful, but I'm not in the mood to fix it. I'm
not even feeling any rush to date or be in a relationship now, but at the
same time I think sometimes that the longer I stay in this "not particularly
interested in dating" mode the more I am losing the opportunity to meet
someone great. Because someone else is meeting them and thinking "this is
more comfortable, etc, than all my other relationships."
The other notable thing about the weekend is that it was all very
heterosexual. I used to think that I was very comfortable in all settings,
and that I was definitely not one of those people who would only hang out in
queer spaces. And I still sort of agree with that, but when I look at my
friends, everyone from school is queer, the people I am friends with at
church are mostly queer, I hang out in queer bars, and my very close married
straight couple friends from college hang out with a lot of queers (to be
fair, they also have straight friends. I just usually don't hang out with
them and their straight friends). On the other hand, it may be Manhattan.
We went to a bar on Friday night that has a special for happy hour--a drink
and a manicure for $10. I was having a decent time, but I still felt mostly
out of place. I attributed that to it being a mostly straight bar, but I do
almost exclusively hang out in Brooklyn, and not entirely in gay bars. Ooh,
I'm glad I worked that one out--I've never wanted to be a separatist, but I
am entirely comfortable with my Brooklyn-centric lifestyle.
Finally, tomorrow I start my all fruit and vegetable detoxification program.
I have definitely fallen into a not-healthy black hole while in nursing
school, and I'm excited to have some time to take myself back. Bikram yoga
was my starting point, then this body detox and return to the gym (I have
six partners in all of this--we'll see who makes it, including me), then
I've been having strange feelings about wanting to learn how to do makeup.
I dabbled this weekend, maybe I'll try that again. Oh, and acupuncture.
For no particular reason, I've just always wanted it...

Emergency

2006-05-08T20:00:00.000-07:00

After a whole lot of not doing anything, it looks like I might have landed
myself a job. Maybe. It's all very weird, and I can't decide how I feel
about it. The day after the job fair that I went to a couple of weeks ago,
I got a phone call from a recruiter. Mind you, that was the day I went out
for 12 hours drinking, and the guy called at 8 in the morning. I think I
was less than impressive in my answers to his questions. Apparently, it was
alright, because he called back to say he has positions in the emergency
department of Lincoln Hospital. Lincoln is a city hospital, the ED is
trauma 1, and it is the busiest ED in the city. And to think I wanted to
birth babies. I think gunshot wounds must be sort of similar...in that
bleeding is a complication. I'm really excited about it, but I also sort of
feel like I just got accepted to the first college I applied to and I am
rushing to say yes before I get any other letters. On the other hand, it
would be pretty cool. We'll see what happens--I haven't even gone in for an
interview yet.
Also, I was walking around the farmer's market last week and I saw that
lilacs are in bloom again. What's funny is that I had completely forgotten
about lilacs and that they are my favorite flower. I love that they only
bloom for two weeks out of the year--it means they will always retain their
special-ness. I was volunteering at my church's auction over the weekend
and I got to take home all of the leftover lilacs. I've been giving them
out ever since, but I still have enough to make my room smell like I have a
lilac bush right outside my window.
I've been feeling really up lately. I've gotten in a bit of meditating, I
smudged my room on the new moon last month, I've been trying to get out
more. The one thing that I am worried about is self-sabotage, in that
whenever I am feeling really good I keep perseverating on the feeling that
it won't last. I wish I had time to get to the gym. I used to like that
built in selfish time...maybe this weekend I'll get a chance.
I think that was a bit all over the place. Oh well.