Is this what we do now?

Yesterday I was in a classroom with one of my new colleagues and my nursing
school friend who is working with me. We were watching a video about shock
emergencies, but the company that makes the "emergency" videos apparently
thought that a bland, too-fast lecture by a woman who looked like a cross
between Kathy Bates and Molly Ringwald would keep our attention. The funny
thing is, at the start of every video I am really motivated. Then we get
interrupted, or a conversation starts in the office attached to the
classroom, and by the time I am paying attention again I am completely lost.
It's easier just to chat, and think to myself "I'll have to read up on
shock," even though I probably won't.
Yesterday we were talking in a somewhat getting-to-know-you, superficial
way, when suddenly my new colleague was talking about where she was and what
she was doing on September 11, 2001. It felt weird, but at the same time, a
little bit normal. I don't know if I like it, but I'm pretty sure it has
happened with most of the new people I have met and become friends with
since I moved back to New York. It doesn't always happen immediately, and
it's usually not tied to any particular feelings, but at the same time it is
as if it is a necessary step in building new friendships nowadays. I
remember when it happened, my friend was telling me about her grandfather
who was in Pearl Harbor and how for his whole life he got nervous when
planes were flying overhead. She wondered if there would be lasting effects
for us. I wonder if this is it--not a sense of worry, but a sort of sizing
up. "Yep, I was there, you were there too, nope, not into the 'war on
terror,' don't think all Muslims are terrorists, ok now we can maybe be
friends." That last part may just be on my side.
It's entirely possible that I am overanalyzing this, and that it doesn't
happen nearly as often as I think, and that it's just a weird thing. I just
know I felt a little strange yesterday when she brought it up, and I was
wondering why.

Side note: I went to my favorite restaurant yesterday with one of my
favorite old roommate's who is visiting from California, and two of my very
favorite friends in New York. We have all been friends for a very long
time--any lack of mention of them on this blog is entirely due to my self
centeredness, and does not reflect their importance in my life.

Second side note: I just rented a car in Indiana. It was $21/day. That was
actually on the expensive side; the cheaper ones were around $12.74/day.
When I rented a car in New York a couple of weeks ago it was over $100/day.
I think if I lived in Indiana, and I didn't have a car, I would rent a car
and drive all the time. The mileage is unlimited! Think of all the
possibilities!

Please forgive me...

I went to a workshop at my church last night about forgiveness. We talked
about what forgiveness means, and ended up using the idea that it is more
about releasing yourself from the hurt feelings and bitterness than
absolving someone else for whatever it is they've done. So I was thinking
about myself, and some specific times when I have felt hurt or angry lately,
and wondering if I am good at forgiving the people in my life. My
conclusion is that I don't think I am. I think I am good at not getting
upset about things unreasonably. I actually didn't think too much about
that, but if I'm not, I'll have to work on it another day. Anyhow, I feel
like I tend to get hurt by something, and then work to just not have
feelings about it. This, I think, has been very true for my family members
lately. We have never been good at communicating, so when something happens
there is pretty much never any discussion, compromise, or middle ground. I
could be a little stronger and/or ever stick up for myself, but I rarely do.
Anyhow, before last night I probably would have said that I had forgiven my
family members. When I thought more about it, I realized that I just
suppressed it. Every time I think about the situations, the negative
emotions and the anger feels almost as strong as they did when these things
first happened. Which is not good. But it is also one strategy for this
situation, in which there is no possibility for "talking it out." I'm not
sure if I want to process it more in myself and try to let go of some of the
bitterness rather than just maintaining my decision to not think about it
unless absolutely necessary. One positive note about having issues with
family that you can't work out: my friends are wonderful, wonderful people.
In areas where I wanted affirmation from my family, they have been wonderful
about providing it. I don't know if this is usual for friend relationships,
but either way it makes me feel pretty lucky.

On a completely different note, I have been on the whole cavalier about my
orientation experience this week. I have been having a great time, we are
mostly socializing and learning a bit, hiding from the surveyors, and making
a bunch of money (though I don't know when I will get paid, which is
freaking me out right now). Today when I was on the way to the classroom I
saw a girl sobbing in the hallway, being held up by a friend/sibling. I
remembered that the classroom we have been occupying is on the same floor in
the hospital as the intensive care units. It is always a little sobering to
realize that while your world may be all sunshine and roses, very nearby
someone is having an entirely different experience. I remember the first
time I experienced a death on a floor we were working on, and I kept looking
into the room, which was darkened and crowded by the man's parents and
priest, every time I passed to go to my patient's room. Other than my
sideways glances, the rest of my day was proceeding exactly as usual on the
fluorescently lit floor. A bit later, his parents were outside of his room
walking around, and their grief penetrated the floor and brought the two
worlds together. I hope that the girl today is ok tonight, and that she
still has friends with her.

I am actually in a good mood tonight. I'm going to get some wine.

Boring

I am a boring girl when I am working. I remember being so angry once upon a
time when my friends wouldn't go out with me on "school nights." As it
turns out, I never really had a true "9-5" job before this one. Even when I
was a case manager, if I went out the night before I could just schedule a
site visit, sleep on the train, and go home early. Now that I have to be in
the Bronx for 7:30 am five days a week, I am bopping along to an entirely
different tune. I like to be in bed before 10 if at all possible. In the
10 o'clock hour isn't the end of the world. Two days of after 11 and I am
tired-hung over by the third day. I really want to somehow work out a
schedule so I feel like I have some kind of fulfillment outside of the work
hours during these 4 months that we are going to be orienting at 5 days a
week. (Four months! I was expecting to be at 5 days/week for 6 weeks at
the absolute most. I am really unsure as to why they think this is the best
possible idea, but who am I to judge...)
Anyhow, this week was supposed to be our first chance to be on the floor in
some kind of productive capacity, if only to be observing and taking vital
signs. Then the surveyors came on Monday. They comb the hospital and can
pretty much go anywhere they want, any time they please. They can ask
anyone questions, watch any procedures, request any documentation. They are
the last people our orienters want us to see. They prepare for months for
these inspections (and yet nurses were still cited for wearing the long
false nails. Really? Are people so attached to those uncomfortable, tacky
added length to their nails that they are willing to risk a citation-very
bad-for it? Apparently so.) and they don't want the surveyors to ask
questions of people who have worked there for all of 2 days. So, we are
hidden in a classroom for the week. We have to watch videos and listen to
lectures, but no floor time until at least next week. Sweet.

Working girl...

I have (finally) started my job as an emergency department (ED) nurse. So
far I am underwhelmed by the orientation program, but they are promising us
that this week is going to be better. Overall, I really like the hospital.
They do a lot of programs to draw in the community, they pay attention to
patient satisfaction, and everyone in their very busy ED seems to be
incredibly nice. Weird. I can't wait to feel like I belong there, instead
of being a kid in my pajamas wandering around doing scavenger hunts for fire
safety equipment.
Something I am excited about: buying some really cute scrubs to go with my
fancy ID lanyard.
Something I am dreading: dealing with all the tragedy that comes through the
ED doors.
Something that tickles me pink: the cafeteria is a sit-down cafe, and they
have waitstaff. I've never seen that in a hospital.
Something I am incredibly grateful for: my wonderful nursing school friend
who took this job with me. I'd feel completely lost without him.
Something I a little bit can't wait for: my first paycheck. I'd love to pay
rent, and stop adding to my credit card balance (which is pathetically
high).