Poem, continued

This might have been the worst idea I've had in a while, as I usually buy a
chocolate bar every 2-3 weeks (because it lasts that long) and I've had 2
since I posted the last part of the poem. Anyhow, "Fly Not Yet," continued:

Fly not yet! the fount that played,
In times of old, through Ammon's shade,
Though icy cold by day it ran,
Yet still, like sounds of mirth, began
To burn when night was near;
And thus should woman's heart and looks
At noon be cold as winter brooks,
Nor kindle till the night, returning,
Brings their genial hour for burning.
O! stay-O! stay-
When did morning ever break
And find such beaming eyes awake
As those that sparkle here!

Thomas Moore

This is the last part of it, so I guess that wasn't that bad...it would be
good marketing if their line had more than chocolate, and they had the
treasure hunt for poems continue through all their products. I'm a sucker
for certain kinds of advertising.

And so we dance...and other things

Yesterday was pride. For the first time I can remember, I wasn't in the
mood. It had rained on Saturday, so I missed the dyke march (I'm so not
queer when it rains). It was still raining for the main pride parade, but
my friend convinced me that with the recent gay bashings it was important to
at least show up and have a presence for a while. I knew something was up
when I didn't get excited for the dykes on bikes (my absolute favorite
part). Then Hillary Clinton made her usual appearance. I'm sick of
politicians who don't have a great track record on queer issues (or other
issues, for that matter) marching in the parade touting no important bill,
and then expect my vote. Worse, I hate that it works--people see the big
politicians and get really excited and think "friend of the gays" without
really knowing their politics. So we booed. Would've booed louder had I
seen that she was marching arm in arm with Mike Bloomberg. Same with Chuck
Schumer. Anyhow, shortly we decided that our attitudes shouldn't bring down
our friends, so we went and were queer in the brunch sort of way.

Later when I was studying mental health for the nursing licensing exam, a
friend called because he had miraculously gotten off of work and wanted to
go out. He plied me with free drinks to leave my computer and come watch
fireworks. I met them at a bar that reminded me of my favorite places to go
dancing in San Francisco--full of middle aged gay men and a couple of middle
aged lesbians, a bar tender who called me baby and remembered my drink, and
campy music to which we danced like fools. After a couple of drinks, we
made our way to the fireworks. Magical. We left and stopped for a drink in
another bar on our way to get something to eat. It was a girl party with a
cover charge, but somehow my sexy friend's sexy boyfriend convinced the door
person that we were the life of the party and she let us in for free. After
which we proceeded to tear down the "hip" party atmosphere they were trying
to create by continuing to dance like fools. I'm not sure if I have a point
in chronicling this night, except that I was in such a grumpy funk, and the
evening was full of incredible energy and love. Dancing is another thing
that puts me into the meditative state--energy flowing in and out, like my
soul is opened. Which is funny, because that sounds so spiritual, and yet
we were making up interpretive dances to different medical conditions. So
today I am grateful for pride, and friends.

Love Poems

I like to have a couple of squares of chocolate every now and then, and I
buy these chocolate bars that have love poems written on the inside.
Sometimes I like to do dramatic readings, but I got the idea today to start
posting the poems as I get them. I should put a disclaimer first that it's
not for love of the actual content that I am posting them, but that I get
love poems on the inside of my sweets. So in the spirit of love, today's
was on the inside of a dark chocolate bar with cherries and almonds:

from Fly Not Yet

Fly not yet-'tis just the hour
When pleasure, like the midnight flower,
That scorns the eye of vulgar light,
Begins to bloom for sons of night,
And maids who love the moon!
'Twas but to bless these hours of shade
That beauty and the moon were made;
'Tis then their soft attractions glowing
Set the tides and goblets flowing!
O! stay-O! stay-
Joy so seldom weaves a chain
Like this tonight, that O! 'tis pain
To break its links so soon.

Thomas Moore

Apparently this one is continued on Raspberries in Dark Chocolate. I'll try
to remember that next time I am picking a bar.

Salty

I love salt. So much so that in nutrition class when my teacher explained
the ins and outs of very low sodium diets I apparently had such a horrified
look on my face that she called me out on it in class. I don't remember
what she said, but it wasn't very consoling. The minimum requirement of
sodium that the average adult should consume in one day is 500 mg. There's
2100 mg in 1/4 tsp. of salt. I probably have that with breakfast. Luckily,
I have pretty low blood pressure, so I don't really have to worry so far.

I also watch a lot of shows on the Food Network. Every single host on that
channel seems to keep kosher salt (or sea salt) in a dish on their counter.
Or that's the way they prep the set. When it's time to season the dish,
they pick up the dish, measure their pinches with flair, run it through
their fingers as they sprinkle it on the food, and on the shows with good
acoustics (Everyday Italian, for one) it sounds really amazing. Remember
how I like sounds? I've been coveting those dishes of kosher salt for, sad
to say, probably a year or two. I shop off of lists, and somehow kosher
salt never made it to the list. Until last week. It was one of my two
items on the list (that and sponges--I was feeling uninspired), but I
finally have a (giant) box of kosher salt with which to season my food. I'm
happy to say it sounds just as good in my kitchen, grabbing a pinch and
sprinkling it onto some soon-to-be roasted asparagus or corn, as it does
when it's amplified on the Food Network sound stages. Not only that, but
I'm pretty sure the food tastes better too. Some of the hosts have made a
case for using kosher/sea salts for reasons other than its "wow" factor
(imagine that), and while I don't remember the reasons, I'm pretty sure they
were right. Best $1.50 I've spent in a long, long time.

Yom Kippur Dreamin'

A while back I had a dream in which it was Yom Kippur, I was Orthodox, and I
went to my shul for services. While I was there, I was praying (although in
my dream I knew I was davening) so fervently that I literally felt my soul
open. I felt like I was elevated--energy was flowing in and out of me with
an incredible intensity. It didn't last very long (I think I woke up) but I
remember thinking that it was what I was looking for in a prayer/meditative
experience. Transformative. What's funny is that I have been looking for
this in a religious experience. Meditating has been off and on successful
for me, but otherwise religion for me has never included that mystical
connected state. Although I guess that's something I want out of it.
Last Friday, I went to a kickboxing class at the gym. I haven't worked out
in a long time, but I went to classes all last week. Friday night the class
was crowded, it was hot, it was loud, and the instructor was this high
intensity huge guy who ran around the room screaming. It was amazing. At
one point we were all doing jumping jacks, and the room was all moving at
once, and we were calling out the numbers, and it was hard, and I felt like
I lost myself. In a good way. I felt open, and the energy was
flowing--like in my dream. I had forgotten that I got that from excercise.
I almost started laughing (I was so happy), but I thought I might have to
stop so I settled for smiling widely through the jumping jacks. I know
physiologically that activity actually does have an effect on the brain,
endorphins are released, and that's what causes the feeling--the "runner's
high." On the other hand, I know physiological explanations for a lot of
things, but I choose to believe in spirituality and universal energy as
well. I used to make a list of things I was grateful for (when I was having
a really angry day, I'd try to add a few things to the list, or at least
read the list, and if it didn't lift the mood it would distract me), so
today I am grateful that I remembered a way to open myself.

Empty

An old client/friend of mine passed away recently. She choked, couldn't
cough it up, and was not able to be revived from the EMT's. She was one of
my first clients in San Francisco, and we spent an inordinant amount of time
together during my first six months working with her. When I left, I called
her every Wednesday night (the night I worked with her) for the first
several months. Then I got busy and lost touch. I had promised her when I
was leaving that I would never become one of "those attendants" who left and
never called. I knew we were friends, I cared about her, and I wanted to
stay in touch...and now I can't sort out what I feel about it. I think my
primary feeling is guilt. I feel guilty that I didn't stay in touch. I
feel guilty that I didn't stay in San Francisco (but even if I did, all that
would have changed is that I'd be there now instead of here). I feel guilty
that I am not/was not a wreck about this for very long after I heard. I
feel like I am detached, but I also feel like that's no excuse, and I don't
know where the emotions are. I'm not really sure if there is a point to
this post, except to say that I think "guilty" is kind of the wrong emotion.
For someone who had such a profound impact on my life, for whatever reasons,
I feel like she deserves more than my guilty feelings.

Chemo

I found this poem in "New York" magazine (I have no idea how to do italics)
and I wanted to remember it (for a number of reasons):

Chemotherapy
My friend is going through the fire on his knees,
His hands, crossing the entire field of it;
Once in a while he calls out, bewildered,

The other side unclear, wanting to just
Lie down and wait among the scattered stones.
Unimaginable heat: he pants, lost in the light

Of what keeps happening--think water, think water,
And he manages to make out one nurse
Up against the bright and it takes everything

To tell her what he needs, as if he had come upon
The one tree still standing, and understood
She promises nothing, who in her uniform

Was all that was ever asked for and who
Could hold him as he has never been held.

by Sophie Cabot Black

I actually have more to post, but I'm going to write another one.

absence makes the heart grow fonder

I tried to detox. I really did. I bought a ton of fruits and vegetables.
I drank semi-nasty protein shakes. I boiled beets, roasted corn, cut up a
watermelon. Ate an entire avocado, a ton of watermelon, and peed red (from
the beets). And then tonight (exactly 36 hours since I started detoxing,
fyi) I got hungry. And, being me, I had been running late and neglected to
pack some snacks for babysitting. So I ordered a salad to come with the
kids' fast food dinners. It came with parmesan cheese and croutons, but I
figured I could still release toxins with a little calcium and carbs in me.
Then I got hungrier. A few cheez-its won't hurt. Still hungry: how about a
banana with peanut butter, a half a peanut butter sandwich, and a mini pita
with melted cheese. Score one (two? ten?) for the junk food demons. The
funny thing is, if I had stocked up on healthy favorites, it would have been
easier to pack dinner and I probably wouldn't have eaten so much, and so
much crap. Lesson learned. The new plan is to try and do it right for one
more day, then buy some real food for the rest of the week.

Bachelorette Weekend

I just finished with my future sister-in-law's bachelorette weekend. It was
great--we drank martinis and did manicures, experimented with makeup and
Bikram yoga (complicated and very hot, respectively), drank out of penis
straws and measured our passion with a pen, and generally celebrated the
bride to be. I realized at brunch today, though, that my sister and I were
the only single ones. Not only that, but all of the women we were with have
been in their relationships since college. I don't remember if I have
posted about this before, but sometimes I feel like I missed the boat. I
have a lot of "couple" friends, and most of them are in really incredible,
stable, loving relationships, and nearly all of them have been together
since college. Those that haven't are in relationships that started and
they almost immediately knew it was somehow more comfortable (loving,
special, fantastic, etc) than all the others. I have a feeling that that
sentence was grammatically awful, but I'm not in the mood to fix it. I'm
not even feeling any rush to date or be in a relationship now, but at the
same time I think sometimes that the longer I stay in this "not particularly
interested in dating" mode the more I am losing the opportunity to meet
someone great. Because someone else is meeting them and thinking "this is
more comfortable, etc, than all my other relationships."
The other notable thing about the weekend is that it was all very
heterosexual. I used to think that I was very comfortable in all settings,
and that I was definitely not one of those people who would only hang out in
queer spaces. And I still sort of agree with that, but when I look at my
friends, everyone from school is queer, the people I am friends with at
church are mostly queer, I hang out in queer bars, and my very close married
straight couple friends from college hang out with a lot of queers (to be
fair, they also have straight friends. I just usually don't hang out with
them and their straight friends). On the other hand, it may be Manhattan.
We went to a bar on Friday night that has a special for happy hour--a drink
and a manicure for $10. I was having a decent time, but I still felt mostly
out of place. I attributed that to it being a mostly straight bar, but I do
almost exclusively hang out in Brooklyn, and not entirely in gay bars. Ooh,
I'm glad I worked that one out--I've never wanted to be a separatist, but I
am entirely comfortable with my Brooklyn-centric lifestyle.
Finally, tomorrow I start my all fruit and vegetable detoxification program.
I have definitely fallen into a not-healthy black hole while in nursing
school, and I'm excited to have some time to take myself back. Bikram yoga
was my starting point, then this body detox and return to the gym (I have
six partners in all of this--we'll see who makes it, including me), then
I've been having strange feelings about wanting to learn how to do makeup.
I dabbled this weekend, maybe I'll try that again. Oh, and acupuncture.
For no particular reason, I've just always wanted it...