Emergency

After a whole lot of not doing anything, it looks like I might have landed
myself a job. Maybe. It's all very weird, and I can't decide how I feel
about it. The day after the job fair that I went to a couple of weeks ago,
I got a phone call from a recruiter. Mind you, that was the day I went out
for 12 hours drinking, and the guy called at 8 in the morning. I think I
was less than impressive in my answers to his questions. Apparently, it was
alright, because he called back to say he has positions in the emergency
department of Lincoln Hospital. Lincoln is a city hospital, the ED is
trauma 1, and it is the busiest ED in the city. And to think I wanted to
birth babies. I think gunshot wounds must be sort of similar...in that
bleeding is a complication. I'm really excited about it, but I also sort of
feel like I just got accepted to the first college I applied to and I am
rushing to say yes before I get any other letters. On the other hand, it
would be pretty cool. We'll see what happens--I haven't even gone in for an
interview yet.
Also, I was walking around the farmer's market last week and I saw that
lilacs are in bloom again. What's funny is that I had completely forgotten
about lilacs and that they are my favorite flower. I love that they only
bloom for two weeks out of the year--it means they will always retain their
special-ness. I was volunteering at my church's auction over the weekend
and I got to take home all of the leftover lilacs. I've been giving them
out ever since, but I still have enough to make my room smell like I have a
lilac bush right outside my window.
I've been feeling really up lately. I've gotten in a bit of meditating, I
smudged my room on the new moon last month, I've been trying to get out
more. The one thing that I am worried about is self-sabotage, in that
whenever I am feeling really good I keep perseverating on the feeling that
it won't last. I wish I had time to get to the gym. I used to like that
built in selfish time...maybe this weekend I'll get a chance.
I think that was a bit all over the place. Oh well.

Some Things

I like lists. So I am going to list some things that are going on right
now.
1. I don't have a job yet. I am incredibly stressed about this, but since I
am currently working during nearly all of my waking hours, there's not a
whole lot I can do about it. I went to a job fair last week and have been
holding my breath for phone calls, but I'm starting to notice a little
cyanosis. I meditated the other day and sent good job energy out to all of
the hospitals that I could remember applying too. Something has to happen
soon, right?
2. I am working in this really amazing placement for my bridging program.
It isn't really preparing me for professional medical surgical practice, but
it is great, nonetheless. The program is a residential facility for adults
who have AIDS and another psych diagnosis (usually an addiction, and often
something else). The residents are great (albeit with incredibly sad
stories) and I feel a little bit like I could connect some of my old life
with my new path. Hopefully.
3. I had a frustrating conversation with a nutritionist at the program
today. She was talking to me about my interests and what I want to do, and
she asked me why I chose nursing over medical school. I said what I always
do--my goals are more consistent with nursing education, I like the holistic
approach, and talked to her a bit about where I see myself going in the
future. Her response was "Good, I'm glad you answered that way, because my
initial reaction is that you are too smart to be a nurse." I know she was
trying to be nice, and I'm sure she sees a lot of burned out nurses in the
hospital, but I hate the stereotype that nurses aren't smart. Just the
experiences I have had with residents and doctors always looking to the
nurses for what to do would seem to indicate otherwise. Anyhow, I like her,
and we had a good conversation after that comment, but I was a bit taken
aback.
4. I have to help out during an 8 year old boy's birthday party on
Saturday...I must have been smoking crack when I agreed.
5. I marched on Saturday against the war--people were screaming "show me
what democracy looks like," and our mostly White section of the march
screamed back "this is what democracy looks like." Or something. I went to
the immigration rights demonstrations on Monday, where democracy looked a
little more representative.
6. I want to learn how to garden.
7. When I start working nights, I think I am going to try to create some
night workers community. Maybe we could knit in 24 hour diners, or have a
book club that meets at 3 in the morning. Something to take the sting out
of 7 pm-7 am shifts.
8. Last Wednesday was my last final in nursing school. To celebrate, I went
out with my friends from around 1 pm to 1 am (I took 3 hours to babysit). I
almost don't have words for the euphoria I felt, both about the test and
being with the friends I have spent the last two years with. Nursing school
has been intense, and I feel connected with these friends in really
incredible ways.
9. I stopped eating chicken! I forgot last week and ate it 3 times, but
otherwise I haven't eaten it in some 3 weeks. I did make an amazing quinoa
salad this week--I love quinoa.
10. That's it for now...