Catatonia

I've been observing myself for the last couple of months, and I have come to
realize that my stress response is catatonia. In the form of countless
hours in front of the television putting off anything and everything
important. So now I am 7 weeks from graduation without having put any
effort whatsoever into getting a job. To put it lightly, I am freaking out.
So I have set a schedule for myself, which includes finishing everything by
Friday. That is, having a presentable cover letter and resume printed up on
nice paper, buying a suit or other version of nice clothes, hand delivering
said resume and cover letter to several of my first choice hospitals, asking
most of my clinical instructors for recommendations, and then hoping that
sone hospital gets back to me. Preferably the one that is 6 blocks from my
house. Of course, I have not just been putting off job stuff, so I have a
care plan to do (should take about 6 or so hours), a test to study for, and
finals coming up. It's a good thing this week isn't, say, Passover or
something. Oh, and Easter (we Unitarians really like to do it up
right--which means pretty much all of the holidays). I did do my taxes
today, so that's something.

I also realized today, that surprise of all surprises, after two months of
doing absolutely nothing different than I was before, my bridesmaid dress is
still a little...snug. Alright, it doesn't zip all the way up. It comes
close, and then it gets to my enormous chest, and, well, it just doesn't.
So tomorrow, I am going to attempt to get up at 5:30 to hit the gym. Which
would be funny if I didn't have to go. I mean I guess if months of doing
nothing hasn't helped the dress zip (it's all the dress--nothing to do with
me) means I should probably work out...or something.

The good news is that I don't really like the catatonic me. I feel like
crap after I watch too much TV, or while I am putting things off. I don't
feel like that is me, and it certainly isn't who I want to be. So, while I
am feeling incredibly stressed right now, I think it is probably still at a
manageable level. If I can pull off all I want to get done this week, I'll
be feeling pretty proud.

Nightmare

Saturday, I went to a marathon birthday party for a friend of mine. It
started at 3 pm with lunch/dinner, moved on to a museum for a night of free
events, and concluded with coffee and dessert somewhere in the neighborhood
of 11:30 pm. The party was for a friend from church, and during it we
talked about the upcoming "Bible Sunday" service (which was yesterday
morning). Apparently, I was feeling some anxiety about Bible Sunday, and
that combined with a very long time spent with people I don't know very well
led me to a very bad dream last night.

I was with the same people who were at the party, and we were in someone's
apartment. The walls were all white, with no adornments, and the furniture
was sparse. At some point during our hanging out, a ghost came in and
started writing words on the wall in blood. We knew she was there because
she was speaking and writing words, but she was not visible. She had a high
pitched, eerie voice. The last thing that I remember is an image of Jesus
Christ appearing on the wall. She said that she had it as a tattoo on her
back, and she was glad it was on her back because when she burned (I believe
she was killed by burning) it wasn't consumed by fire. At that point I
managed to wake up, heart racing.

I haven't really gotten anywhere on what the dream might have meant. I just
finished reading Wickett's Remedy (by Myla Goldberg), which has comments
from the collective dead in the margins. One of the things they kept
repeating was that there are times when their whisperings get through to the
living, and those times are often when people are asleep, or sick, or in
some state that is not fully conscious. I am not suggesting that I believe
a ghost was trying to bring me a message in my dream, rather that I think
the combination of the birthday party, Bible Sunday, and the suggestion from
the book made for one scary dream.

Since I think the dream was related to Bible Sunday anxiety, I might post
about that at some point (it was really well done, intense, and powerful)
but I haven't processed it enough to say something worthwhile. For now,
I'll just say that our director of religious education created a piece in
which Jesus was imprisoned at Guantanamo Bay, and he was creating a video
diary of his feelings.

Last, I just realized, in visiting my blog from a computer that isn't mine,
that the formatting gets all messed up when I send my posts from e-mail. My
computer doesn't let me post directly (it's six years old, I can't expect
that much) so hopefully someday I will get the chance to go back through and
fix the margins. Regardless, it's a bit frustrating.

Poisson d'Avril

Today is April 1st, which in France is called Poisson d'Avril. I don't
speak French, but I am pretty sure that roughly translates to "Fish of
April" or something like that. The big gag is to try to tape paper fish on
people's backs without them noticing. I meant to promote this before, but I
forgot. I think it sounds like a nice alternative to April Fool's Day,
especially since I remember in elementary school the pranks could get
involved (and sometimes cruel). Plus, I like the idea of people walking
around with paper fish on their backs.

Also, it has been really beautiful here the last two days. I have been
working on my resume and other school stuff, but the weather outside is
insane--warm, sunny, and spring-like. One of the things I love about
seasons is that I am usually ready for a change right around when the next
one comes. After a hot summer, I welcome the crispness of fall. When the
leaves are gone, I love to see snow covering the tree branches. After the
frigidness of February (and sometimes March) the first birds, flowers, and
warmth is often surprising--like I forgot that spring was coming. And,
while I don't love the humid summer here, I do enjoy all of the free outdoor
events, as well as the chance to wear skirts to my hearts desire. So today,
I am grateful for spring.